Forgiveness

Bitterness steadily begins to creep into your heart and you do not even take notice of it until one day it erupts into your thoughts and pours out of your mouth. You realize, the situation you thought you had under control, is far from it.

You begin to think…if only this person would change, go away, pick on someone else, or get the help they desperately need, your life would be so much better. As time goes by despair starts to settle in and you do not see any relief in sight. You have held your anger in for so long towards this person, it has now turned to depression.

You feel alone, wondering why God has not answered your prayers; does He not see the mess you are in?

You are getting ready to throw in the towel, and God catches your attention through His precious word. And if that is not enough, He uses the saints on earth and the words of the saints in heaven to really drive home the point over and over again.

If you are wondering, is she talking about herself? I am. Over the last week, I have been on a journey of learning more about forgiveness.

My Mom had a wonderful devotion to share with me about the story of Joseph and how he forgave his brothers. He could have destroyed them, but instead he forgave them. He realized through his long journey of becoming second in command in Egypt, that God used the horrendous circumstances his brothers had started in motion, for good. This Bible story always catches my attention; Joseph was betrayed by his own flesh and blood. I was reminded of the betrayal Troy and I have felt because of a family member. As part of the devotion it told the following story:

An old fable gives the account of a mighty eagle seeking revenge on another eagle. The revenging eagle flew down to a powerful archer and asked him to shoot the other eagle. The archer said, “I need wing feathers for my arrows for such a task.” “Pull out my feathers,” said the eagle. The archer did so, but his most powerful shots failed to hit the highflying enemy eagle. The vengeful eagle now discovered that he couldn’t fly. The archer laughed and shot him. Satan also laughs as our hateful attitude destroys us.

I realized my bitterness and anger was only destroying me. I was putting way to much energy into trying to work this all out. On my own. I was wasting what should have been given to my wonderful husband and my precious boys.

Have you ever thought about how at the middle of Sin, is I? Herein, was my biggest problem…I would pray and ask the Lord to take it away….I would quickly pull it back and let it continue to fester. I wanted to be in control.

Finally, I buried myself in God’s word….it begin to soak in and God showed me the truth. This relationship is broken and I (Michelle) cannot fix it. I have tried everything I can possibly think of…to repair it. I can do nothing. Only God can bring healing and restoration to relationships. I do not know how it will all work out and it really doesn’t matter, because I am resting in arms of the One who has conquered sin, death, and the devil.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Two Things

Just for fun, at the prompting of my friend, Cheryl, Click on her name and check out her wonderful blog!

Two names you go by: Michelle and Mommy. (There are others, but I'm not telling!)

Two things you are wearing right now: Winnie the Pooh sweatshirt and a smile!

Two of your favorite things to do: Spend time with Troy and read.

Two things you want very badly: more time and more sleep.

Two favorite pets you have had/have: Tabby (farm cat) Maggie (our beautiful dog)

Two people you think will fill this out: Shannon (tag you are it!) Click on her name to check out her great blog too!

Two things you ate today: banana and a pink lady apple.

Two people you last talked to today: Jimella and my Mom.

Two things you're doing tomorrow: home school and enjoy my boys.

Two longest car rides: I'm going to use bus rides instead! St. Paul, MN to New Orleans and Peoria to San Antonio, TX

Two favorite holidays: Easter and Christmas

Two favorite beverages: Cappuccino's and Water!

Anyone else who wants to play, please consider yourself tagged!

One of those Days

Did you ever have one of those days, where nothing seems to go right? Yesterday, I really struggled. The day started off ordinary enough…I was enjoying my children…and laughing at their antics.

I was trying to convince Matthew, to sit on the potty chair. And it appeared things were going well, until…he decided he would not poop for me. I knew he had to go…and was holding it in. I gave up trying to force the issue.

I was on the computer and I was trying to fill out one of those surveys, so I could earn some extra cash. Our hospital bills and we do not even have them all yet…are going to be astronomical. I was fervently….trying to fill out this survey about Vogue magazine. I had to laugh…as I would not use that word to describe my life or my wardrobe. They were asking me questions that I considered to be silly and certainly did not apply to me.

During this brief encounter with glamour and glitz…I became aware of Matthew running to the bathroom and talking about his pull-up. He came traipsing out of the bathroom with his pull-up off and inside out and hanging upside down…. I felt like I was in one those moments were you cannot move fast enough…I saw this glob of suspicious looking goo fall too the floor. Matthew knew I wanted the poo in the potty…and so he came up with the brilliant plan of doing his job in his pull-up and dumping the evidence in the potty. Let’s just say…. it ended up everywhere but where it was supposed to go.

As I was cleaning up the mess….I started to cry….I felt an overwhelming sadness about all of the stress we have been under with my health, the family member whose mentally ill, and financial stress. The boys quickly realized, Mommy was crying and they did not know what to do. The harder I tried to pull myself together…the faster the tears fell down my face and dripped off the end of my nose.

I assured the boys that Mommy was okay, and I was not mad at them. Jacob, surmised the situation and said, Mommy are you crying because we are taking the Christmas decorations down today. I tried not to laugh because he was being so thoughtful and considerate, “maybe a little”, I said. I could not tell him of all the things I was really heartsick over.

I called my Mom and I sobbed out my heart to her. My Mom has soothed my heart more times than I can count. She could have been a first class counselor to strangers….but she chose to be available to give wise council to her children. Thank you, Mom for always being there for me!

Troy came in and I fell to pieces all over again. He told me he was very worried and wondered if my thyroid problem was causing me to act this way. He all ready knows I’m an emotional person….but he said this was extreme. I felt a little better after to talking to him.

I didn’t feel hungry for lunch and so I thought I better go back to the survey and finish it up. As I looked at the women in those magazines….my thought was I have nothing in common with them. I want to read stories about real women, who have real lives.

I plodded through the survey rolling my eyes at some of the questions…wanting to ask…who cares! After all of that….I earned one dollar! I decided I would better use my time in studying to earn my MT degree because at the end of an hour….I would make more than a dollar.

My mind was starting to move into a more positive direction when I found out my Tuscan Olive Jar did not survive a crash earlier in the day when the boys were goofing around. Jacob told me the truth with big tears in his eyes…I felt a brief flash of anger…but as I looked into these big beautiful blue eyes filled with remorse…it broke my heart. I told him, I wasn’t angry and that he and Matthew are more important to me than the things I have in my house. The big crack which cannot be hidden makes the Jar look more antique!

As the day went on…I spent time talking to God and pouring out my heart to Him. I found an herbal supplement that appears to help level out my emotions and moods, so far.

By the end of the day, it had turned into: “This is the day, the Lord hath made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

You see during my time with Lord…I heard His voice encourage me through the Word. The beautiful assurance from Isaiah 49 gave my heart peace: “I will never forget you my people, for I have carved you in the palm of my hand. I will never forget you; I will not leave you orphaned. I will never forget my own. Would a mother forget her baby, a woman a child within her womb? Yet, even if these forget…I will never forget my own.”

I received this as an e-mail yesterday. It meant a lot to me and so I thought I would share it with my readers. It was one of those days...where the storms of life were getting me down. Why do we think we think we can fix our problems? Now, don't get me wrong...I don't think God is going to reach down and do my MT homework for me, homeschool Jacob when he doesn't want to work, or get Matthew to listen. I'm talking about those problems in life where there is not an easy answer. Such as a relationship that is broken...you have done everything you know how to do to make it right and it is still not enough. I'm talking about a relationship with a person who is mentally ill. In this case, the person will not admit or recognize they have a problem. It has broke our hearts many times and there is no end in sight.

God has been there with Troy and I, during every painful and gut wrenching moment and He will continue to do so. (I don't mention the name of this person, to protect them.)

For those of you who know the pain of a broken relationship, whatever the reason. Know that, Jesus is right there beside you...carrying you if necessary. He will never leave you or forsake you.

I hope you enjoy this story and find comfort in the scripture that I included at the end.

LORD, PROP US UP

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side.After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.

He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this...I got an old barn out back.It's been there a long time, it's withstood a lot of weather, it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years. It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit.So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall.

Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn.I've been around a long time. I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times.

Sometime we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness,leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't. So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.

If you look closely at this picture of the barn…you will see the One who holds us up.

Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Be Still

Those of you who know me...know I have been plagued with some serious health problems over the past few months. My parathyroids decided they were not going to properly monitor the level of calcium in my blood and so their malfunction caused them to pull calcium from my bones and dump it into my blood. This can cause a whole series of medical problems: extreme fatigue, depression, heart problems, and kidney problems. I did not experience kidney issues but I dealt with the rest of them.

I had surgery on December 21, and what was supposed to be a simple procedure turned into a 4 long hour ordeal for my family members as they patiently waited for the surgeon to finish. Usually a person with hyperparathyroidism only has one bad parathyroid....I was unique...all four of mine were bad. They were of course even more challenging because they were not in the places they would normally be, hence the 4 hour surgery. The surgeon thankfully managed to salvage a 1/2 of one and I am extremely grateful.

I ended up spending the night in the hospital because of length of my surgery. The nurse would come in and check on me and take my pulse and my pressure. She kept commenting on how high they were and thought perhaps it was the after affects of my surgery.

In the week that followed, I noticed my high pulse rate. I remembered the high blood pressure and decided I better get it checked out. My blood pressure and pulse were to high and after an ER visit, a trip to the endocrinologist....I was put into the hospital. Where for about 6 hours they tried to get my heart rate to go down...at 178 beats a minute your heart does not work properly. They called in a cardiologist and moved me to ICU, so they could monitor my medication better.

They discovered my thyroid is inflamed (because of the sugery) and because it was irritated...it caused a thyroid storm. It was dumping way to many hormones into my blood stream and causing all of the heart problems.

Prior to my surgery, everyone kept thinking I was having thyroid problems because most thought my parathryoids were a part of my thryoid. Other than proximity, they have nothing in common. The irony is now everyone thinks my lack of parathyroids are causing these problems and it is my thyroid. I'm trying really hard to find some humor in the situation but today I cannot.

I am on a calcium channel blocker which makes me feel like I need a good nap. And my thyroid is causing me to feel anxious and at times irritable. I am tired and I long to feel normal again. I could have a pity party(anyone want to come?), but I know it will not solve anything.

Instead, I'm going to talk to my heavenly Father about it. He has promised rest of the weary and strength for the moment. In a response to one of my health updates a former professor and friend of mine, sent me a scripture prayer. He told me to use it in times of stress...or needing to calm down....or just spending time with the Lord. I would like to share it with you...it has helped me to calm down when I think my heart is racing more than it should...during those moments when I am troubled and discouraged and I do not know what to say or pray.

Focus on God's message to you after you pray each phrase:

Be still and know that I am God.

Be still and know that I am....

Be still and know

Be still

Be.....

This verse is from Psalm 46

May God grant you the peace that passes all understanding.

Happy New Year!

Time flies! When I was a little girl, I remember impatiently waiting for the County fair to start. I complained to my Grandma how I could hardly wait and why were the days so long. My Grandma, spoke words of wisdom on that long ago day….I did not realize it at the time. She told me not to wish my life away and as I got older I would understand, that time does not stand still….it flies by so quickly, we wonder where it went.

I found so much truth….and now that I am a Mom, I would love to cling to these precious moments in time, because I know, all too quickly my boys will grow up. One of my goals this year is to not take my husband, boys, family, friends, health, or God for granted. I cannot make time stand still, but I can cherish each moment of life and not take it for granted.

This past year, I faced some major health challenges and it has caused to stop and take a look at my life. Because I felt so miserable, I was praying for each day to end as quickly as it began. I feel deep regret over moments lost this past year and I can never get them back…I can only move forward.

I also discovered this past week as I thought I was staring death in face…is I do not want live my life just biding time to go by because I do not feel well. There are some health issues I have no control over, but there are those I can control and I will start with those. You see, I thought I was having a heart attack they other night. Thankfully, my heart is in great condition, according to my cardiologist. Before hearing those words, I was thinking, “Michelle, this 70 plus pounds of fat has to go!” This is not helping your heart or any other aspect of your health.

I have not written in my blog for a long time….for various reasons. I want a fresh new start. This will be a great way to document the changes I hope to make this next year. My blog will change in someways…I will still write about devotional topics…but I also want to add stories about what is going on in my life about my health, my family, and I will also have entries about the 2008 political happenings. Now, I know I have many friends who share my political view points and there are other dear friends who do not. What I write about will be my opinions based on what I believe and my purpose is not to offend but to offer a discussion. You will be able to make comments on anything, I write. I always review my comments before I will post them….so I ask for there not be any vulgar language or bashing another persons belief. I believe we can have these discussions and remain friends. On some issues we will agree to disagree. I want to learn as much as I can about the political process and I want to search out the truth. So, I hope you will join me for what will prove to be an interesting year in the political arena.

I pray for God’s richest blessing upon you and your families in this year and always.